Tag Archives: Kim K

Excuse Me While I Butt In

Yesterday, Wednesday 12th November 2014, Kim Kardashian attempted to break the internet. If you don’t use social media you may have missed this. Well, the internet didn’t break, but Kim did manage to add a crack (pun intended).

Today Kim threw a pair of melons in the mix; and just in case we weren’t sure, showed us where North came from. Not surprisingly this sparked an internet and talk show frenzy of outrage and admiration, in almost equal proportions. Meanwhile the producers of Paper Magazine are gleefully rubbing their hands together and counting the ka-ching.

Here’s my take: Well played, Miss Kardashian, well played. Kim succeeded  once again in manipulating the media and getting exactly what she wanted – all of us talking about her. Love her or loathe her, Kim is a marketing genius. She knows exactly what she is doing. Before you start hating on me, hear me out. I am NOT debating the morality of Miss Kardashian’s actions; nor am I arguing what she did was right or wrong.

People who say Kim K has no talent are wrong. THIS IS HER JOB PEOPLE. Kim’s job is self-promotion and she’s exceptionally good at it. Whether or not this is a worthwhile, honourable, wholesome profession is a whole ‘nuther discussion. Kim figured out at a very young age that her body was the key to her fortune. She branded it, exploited it, and sits that big booty on an even bigger pile of cash as result. Do I envy her? No. Do I wish I had her money? Hell yeah. Let’s get real people. Who doesn’t want to win the lottery?

Kim earned widespread condemnation for choosing to pose nude. “She has a child! She is a mother!” screamed the trolls. Really? I wasn’t aware women stopped being sexual beings post-motherhood. If so, I didn’t get that memo.  And do people honestly believe that women working in the “adult” industry don’t have husbands and children tucked away at home? Puhleease!

Several women in public life have posed nude or semi- nude, garnering praise and admiration in the process– Demi Moore, Janet Jackson, Jenny McCarthy, Pamela Anderson, Marilyn Monroe – the list goes on and on. Are we condemning Kim because she is already so overexposed?

Kim K irritates people because she is good at (apparently) doing very little. We not-so-secretly resent her ability to make millions through self-promotion while the majority of us working stiffs struggle to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. It is difficult to respect someone so obviously self-serving but I do admire her business sense.

“What will she tell her daughter when she grows up and sees those pics?!” Kim will tell North: “Mommy made a lot of money when she was young and pretty and that’s why you got a Lamborghini for your 16th birthday.” All jokes aside, who are we to judge the long-term effects of Kim’s career on her child? I try to be a good mother but I am hardly the Perfect Parent. WHO IS??

Many people believe Kim’s pictures were offensive and racist because she was naked and oiled; in the same manner African slave women were presented for sale, minus the chains. They argued that as the mother of an African/Armenian/American child, this was an insult to baby North.

*Deep breath* …If you look for racism in everything you will find it. Hand on heart I do not believe Miss K considered the possible racist connotations of the photo shoot. Kim is clever, but not very smart. I am sure the decision to use baby oil was based on “OOOH that will make my skin look fantastic!” Don’t assume that because Kim is married to a black man she has any clue of what it is like to experience the world as a black person. Baby North West will open Miss K’s eyes to several truths that no amount of money can overcome.

Miss Kardashian is cashing in on her assets. More power to her I say. Looks fade, asses droop, and breasts sag. Thirty years from now Kim might look back on her actions and think “Maybe I shouldn’t have done that.” Then again she might be sunning herself on a luxury yacht off the coast of St Tropez and thinking “F*ck you biatches. I had the last laugh.”

What do YOU think?


It’s My Country and I’ll Rule How I Want To

The world is in trouble. Islamist rebels light it up in Mali. Guatemala court orders trial of former dictator. Government Ministers openly defy the Prime Minister in St Kitts and Nevis. Kim K has a wardrobe malfunction. The established rules of civilisation and government are not working. I’ve had enough of poor governance, rising crime, and worldwide idiocy.

My solution?  Start my own country. I have my eye on a tiny Grenadine isle. Think about it – my own private Paradise Island with white sandy beaches, lush vegetation, and the perfect year-round climate. There’s room for 2000 citizens. You can apply for citizenship once you meet the immigration criteria and agree to live by my rules. I promise to be a benevolent dictator. Who’s with me?

Forget about party politics, elections, coalition governments and minority opposition. There will be no need for any of that in the Republic of Abbuccet (pronounced Ah-buck-et). In fact, politicking of any kind will be banned and punishable by death. The Citizens Rule and Prosper party (CRAP) will be the only political voice permitted in the country.

Abbuccet’s legal system will be a based on a hybrid of martial and sharia law. I suspect citizens will have few problems obeying the law if stealing an orange results in losing a hand and driving on the shoulder warrants a gun butt to the head.

It goes without saying that citizens of Abbuccet will be taxed to within pennies of a full pay check. Independent wealth will come in handy. High taxes – a small price to pay for a government that provides the best of everything free – education, medical care, housing, childcare, weekly wine rations (It’s my country. I can do what I want and in my world wine is a necessity).

As all benevolent leaders should, I will keep the citizenry constantly informed of decisions that affect their day to day lives. They can voice their opposition of course. Free speech is welcomed. Opposers however, will be beheaded. Every town and village, no matter how small, will have a public execution square. Did you miss the part about mar-sharia law?

Imagine the benefits of living in Abbuccet. Mondays will be banned. Mandatory three day weekends and state funded BFF (Brain Fart Free) neighbourhoods. Kate Middleton’s visits to The Gap to buy leggings will not be reported as headline news. People will be paid to come up with good ideas that benefit society. Wasn’t that the point of democracy? It didn’t work.

I know you are dying to apply for citizenship but before you do, make sure you meet the criteria. There will be a non-refundable application fee of USD$100,000. What? A girl’s gotta eat. As proof of your commitment I’ll also need a minimum two strands of Patrick Dempsey’s hair. No I haven’t got a thing for Dr McDreamy but he looks like he could spare a few locks.

If you are a former or current politician, convicted criminal, reality TV star, or a Kardashian – don’t waste your time. You will not be welcome in Abbuccet. But if you are willing to work as part of a team to form a new society based on mutual respect   – and dedicate a room in your house to a Daniel Craig Shrine (my country, my rules), then show me the money. The application process will be swift and let’s face it – given the state of the world today, being ruled by CRAP in Abbuccet doesn’t sound half bad.

Help me develop a Citizens’ Charter. Please post your contributions in the comments below.

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