I am a horrible mother.

I will go through your possessions and invade your personal space on a regular basis.

Your phone, computer, iPod etc. are subject to inspection at any time.

I will enter your room without knocking and rifle through your belongings.

I will smell your breath for alcohol and check for signs of illicit drug use.

I will talk to you every day and take a personal interest in all your activities.

I will listen to what you say and what you leave unsaid.

I will meet your friends and ask probing questions about their backgrounds, their parents and their home life. I will embarrass you.

I will follow you on social media and keep up to date on all the latest trends in music, fashion and deviant behaviour.

I demand that you stick to the agreed terms for curfews, use of my car, and spending of my money.

I demand that you respect me and my house.

Soon you will be an adult with your own home and the freedom to live your life as you see fit without my approval.

Until then you can make me a better mother by rendering the above personal incursions unnecessary through your responsible behaviour.

I love you unconditionally and will defend you with my dying breath.

This is the mantra of horrible mothers everywhere – parenting with love and discipline.